Ah, I love The Onion:
PADUCAH, KY—Throughout his life, 22-year-old Matthew Leske has been a devout Christian, attending services three times a week at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church in his hometown of Paducah, regularly participating in Bible-study devotionals with his mother and four sisters, and faithfully adhering to the dictums of his strict fundamentalist Christian upbringing.
Though his wedding date has yet to be set, fundamentalist Christian Matthew Leske is so eager to ejaculate that he has already purchased his tuxedo and is waiting patiently at the church.
Throughout his post-pubescent life, Leske has also, like all male humans, been gripped by an intense, all-consuming desire to ejaculate sperm, but has been unable to do so out of fear of incurring the wrath of God and suffering an eternity of agonizing punishment in the afterlife.
A part-time prep-cook and odd-job yardwork handyman when not volunteering as a Bible witness to local shut-ins and nursing-home residents, the young Leske has never had much time for socializing with members of the opposite sex. Nevertheless, last week, Leske announced his intention to marry fellow Christian Luann Ruth Perkins, also a member of Holy Christ Almighty, whom he met on a church-sponsored Luther League hayride two months ago.
Leske cited his irresistible desire to achieve sexual climax and ejaculate sperm without having to go to hell as the number one factor in his decision to propose marriage.
We've all known couples like this, amirite? Couples that don't quite seem on the same page except for their burning hot desire to suddenly get married.
It's 8/9/10. Weird.